Punchinello’s Chronicles

January 13, 2011

Illinois Debt Crisis Resolved!

Filed under: Foolish Rants — Punchinello @ 1:06 am
Tags: , ,

SPRINGFIELD, IL — In a stunning announcement today, Governor Pat Quinn told reporters that at long last, the close to $15-billion shortfall in operating expenses has been finally resolved. Additionally, the governor stated that the long-term unfunded pension liability of nearly $78-billion has been put to rest.

“Our educators, public workers and universities can finally breath a long sigh of relief,” Gov. Quinn said, speaking before a standing-room-only press conference at the Governor’s Mansion in Springfield.

“Working together with a coalition of the Illini, Miami, Shawnee, Dakota, Ho-Chunk, Chickasaw, and Potawatami Native American tribes, we have today reached an agreement. The original landowners of this great state, formerly known as The Land of Lincoln have agreed to re-purchase their homeland in its entirety.”

The purchase price was difficult to assess, given that the entire transaction was made in beads and trinkets, but economists say that it was well over the $24 used to purchase the modern-day island of Manhattan in New York.

A spokesperson for the governor said that the idea came to Gov. Quinn following a search for pornography on the Internet search engine, Google. “He was looking for porn, and put in Illinois as an afterthought,” said Mr. Kerfunkle, an executive assistant to the governor. “Right there, he saw that BizRate.com offered to ‘find Illinois for the best prices,’ and that got him thinking. When he noticed that Target was also offering Illinois for sale, he decided to look into the plan.”

The governor then approached the Illinois Assembly with the idea to place the state up for sale on either Craig’s List or eBay. After much deliberation, the House and Senate chose Craig’s List. What happened next was nothing less than astonishing, according to witnesses.

“Within hours we got several inquiries from various tribes of American Indians, mostly those with original roots in the state. Following some serious emails and a flurry of activity, the tribes put together a coalition and offered to buy the entire state, kit and kaboodle! It was awesome!”

The terms of the deal state that the Native Coalition of Illinois Indian Tribes (NCIIT) will transfer payments of 27 containers of various plastic beads, manufactured by off-shore tribal corporations in China, together with 13 pallets of assorted earrings, baubles and other trinkets.

Illinois will retain its existing US Geological Survey borders, but all further administrative, management and governance will transfer to the NCIIT as of noon Friday, January 14, 2011. “We wanted to execute this deal as quickly as possible, otherwise we would have had to raise taxes. Nobody wants to do that,” said the Governor.

Asked about the impact on Chicago, a large city located somewhere in Illinois, Mayor Richard M. Daley had difficulty articulating his concerns. Chief among those concerns was the fate of several possible casino contracts, an airport and a few other important things. “I suppose we can work it all out, I guess,” said the mayor. “It’ll just take some getting used to.”

Residents should feel no direct impact on the transfer of ownership, although in a fortuitous chain of events, gun control advocates will at last be pleased with projected changes. “From now on, no one gets to use long fire sticks,” said a spokesperson for the NCIIT. “You want drive-by shooting, you use horses and bow and arrow like normal people.”

Crime rates are expected to go down, although it’s hard to predict what other consequences will arise from such an innovative solution to budget problems. One thing we know for sure, though is that with the previous administration no longer in charge of the state, all contracts for lending will be considered either null and void, or must be renegotiated with the NCIIT. The likely results will be that most public sector unions will retain their pensions, they’ll just be paid in beads and trinkets.

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