Punchinello’s Chronicles

November 17, 2009

Federal Reserve Buys Controlling Interest in Mafia

Filed under: Foolish Rants — Punchinello @ 1:37 am
Tags: , , ,

WASHINGTON — Federal Reserve (FED) Chairman Ben Bernanke today announced that the US central bank would be taking a controlling interest in the Mafia (COSNO), following last year’s bailout of $298-billion. Speaking at a press conference, Bernanke said that the synergy between the two organizations has been obvious over the past decade, and now was the right time to form a merger. The Fed acquisition now makes it the largest organized crime organization in the world, ahead of the Columbian drug cartels, the Asian Triads, and the Russian mob.

“We’ve been competing against each other for several years,” said Linguini Falcone, Mafia Don and leader of the East coast Falcone family. “More and more, we’ve been coming up against Don Bernanke in areas of money laundering, counterfeiting, prostitution, gambling, protection, the numbers rackets, bunko, fraud, and racketeering. Who woulda thought we coulda been such good partners, eh?”

Ben Bernanke Wall Street Mafia Crime

Two Dons Pose for Picture

For years, most Americans have been comfortable with the brand separation between organized crime versus the aristocratic traditions of Wall Street finance. In the past decade, however, that distinction has blurred to the point that nobody can tell the difference anymore. With each business model complementing the other, the decision to merge became obvious.

“Hey, it’s all about business, right?” said Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Golman Sachs. “Nothing personal, you understand.” Mr. Blankfein said that the deal had been in the making for many months, brokered by Hank Paulson, former US Treasury secretary and former CEO of Goldman Sachs.

Blankfein further stated that “Hank’s engineering the collapse of Lehman was one of the best things ever happened to his old company, and now we’re doing the work of God.”

The Mafia has for the most part been the central crime organization within the US, with a global network and solid financial outlook for many decades. With the Federal Reserve entering into competition, however, together with the world’s largest banks having unlimited funds, the organization found itself unable to compete.

“Hey, when you’re facing an unlimited source of fake money, and you got all of congress in your back pocket, then you got some serious clout,” said Mr. Falcone. “We just couldn’t stay ahead of them boys no more. We had to fold”

With the new administration moving into the White House, the Chicago mob proposed that now would be a good time to form a merger between the two major crime enterprises. “Why duplicate effort,” said Rahm Emanuel, speaking under conditions of anonymity.

The US Securities & Exchange Commission (SEC) had minor objections, citing potential monopoly and conflict of interest concerns, but last week finally gave the go-ahead to the merger. When asked why, Mary Schapiro told reporters that she’d received an offer she couldn’t refuse.

The merger between the Federal Reserve and the Mafia marks a victory for bankers and politicians across the United States and around the world. With a single organization now controlling both traditional crime and white-collar crime, both entities should see a marked improvement in their bottom lines. Goldman Sachs has rated the new Mafia a “buy,” purchasing an initial block of 27 million shares. The US Treasury is expected to follow suit.

In related news, the Mafia stock rose 142 points today on the Dow Industrial Average, with projections for better than expected profits for Q4 of this year. Former family members will still retain executive control of the various regional divisions, with little change to the original family-owned business. “It’s only that we’ve gone public,” said Mr. Falcone. “Just think of it as an IPO or something like that.”

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