Punchinello’s Chronicles

July 28, 2009

Less Bad is now Good

Filed under: Moron Speak — Punchinello @ 2:48 am
Tags: , ,

People think that George Orwell coined the word “doublespeak,” meaning a statement designed to hide or disguise the real meaning of something. It turns out he didn’t, but he did invent the term “newspeak,” using it in his novel, “1984.” That novel is becoming increasingly more realistic as Big Brother (the government) seems to interfere with everyday life more and more often.

But getting back to this concept of using language to hide reality, we’re seeing it all the time in the financial reports. For example, the news is all about how we’re experiencing a terrific two-week rally in the stock market. Another story tells us that new home purchases are up 11% from…some time. A specific example would be eBay announcing a significant increase in their business, with stocks shooting upward.

Is all this true? Are we hearing the real information, or only doublespeak?

There’s an interesting headline from Bloomberg, telling us that “Stocks Increase as Treasuries, Dollar Falls.” In other words, the stock market is going up and up, but the US dollar is worth less and less. Fewer people want to buy more and more (never-ending) US debt, choosing not to buy US Treasuries. How can the stock market be going up through all this?

Bloomberg has nothing to say about why. They only report the news. It’s a mystery.

Further examination of eBay’s press release shows us that they lost “less” than they’d expected to lose. The “rate of decline” is slower than it was last year. Therefore, they earned money!

Alright, I can get into that. I’m earning less this year than I did last year. But the speed of decline is slower than it’s been in the past two months. Therefore, I’m going to report to the IRS that I’m earning money! That’ll get me a bank loan. I think I can declare the bank loan as income, which means I’m actually turning a profit!

On what? Nobody knows. It’s a mystery.

Verizon is losing money. Airlines are losing money. The values of the homes that everyone apparently is jumping up and down to buy are dramatically less than they’ve been for a very long time. Big banks are making fantastic profits! But there’s a story in the news about “Main Street.”

It seems that more and more small businesses are closing their doors as they go into foreclosure on their loans. The so-called bail-out money that was supposed to help those small businesses hasn’t reached them. Last year, we heard that the small business sector provided for more than 50% of all jobs. Too bad about so many of those businesses going belly up, right? The people working there will just….what?

Nobody knows. It’s a mystery.

What if I walk into a hospital with one of my arms falling off? The doctor looks at me and tells me to have a seat, he’ll be with me in a few hours. I ask why not right now? And he tells me that it could have been worse! My head could have been blown off.

Since I’m less worse off than I could have been, therefore I’m just fine. Right? Right!

I’m astounded at how the only news we hear about the economy is either about the stock market or major banks. Other than that, we hear bits and pieces about unemployment going up, maybe. Then we hear about people who need unemployment insurance for the rest of time.

Who pays unemployment insurance? The businesses who hired someone, then had to let them go. That “insurance” was SUPPOSED to be a few extra bucks until the ex-employee could find a new job. Then it was extended. Then extended again.

Remember how General Motors went broke? They became liable for health coverage not only for employees, but the employee’s entire family. Even when the employee was dead! So countless people who don’t work for GM, never worked for GM, all get health benefits from GM.

Same with permanent unemployment “insurance.” People who worked for a small company for five minutes, can claim unemployment benefits for what, the next 10 years? Who pays for that? What happens when the businesses go broke because they can’t support the unemployment burden?

Glad you asked that!

Someone asked Representative Barney Frank what we’re supposed to do when we can’t earn any money. Sir Frank said that making money isn’t his problem. It’s not Congress’ or the government’s concern whether anyone makes any money. They’re only concerned about making sure that everyone gets a fair share.

Alright, so what happens when nobody in America is making any money anymore? Who pays Mister Frank? Nobody knows, it’s another mystery.

The bottom line is that we’re hearing that the recession is now over (according to some economists). The stock market is having a wonderful time. The big-ass banks are having a wonderful time. Everyone in Washington is doing marvelously. The people who aren’t doing so well, are doing better than they were last month. They’re doing better than they might have been doing, so therefore…we’re all doing fine!

Who says America isn’t a land of optimists? It reminds me of the Minnesota farmer who’s entire home was demolished by a tornado. The news hyenas, of course, asked “How do you feel?” The farmer says, “Well…it coulda been worse. At least the outhouse is still standing!”

Yup. We should all invest in the stock market, and give all our money to the Big Banks. Why? Because we’re doing less badly than we coulda been doing. We’re losing everything we own slower than predicted. The airplane is driving into the ground a bit more slowly than it was. In fact, since everyone predicted the plane would already have crashed by now, then, “in fact,” we’re actually flying just fine! We’re on our way to Good Times again!


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