Punchinello’s Chronicles

June 2, 2009

Fixing the Overcrowded Prisons Situation

Filed under: Just Thinking — Punchinello @ 10:47 pm
Tags: , , ,

We have a lot of people breaking the law. Everybody knows this. There are so many, that we don’t have enough room in America’s jails to handle all those folks. One of the major problems in California is not enough money to keep the prisons going, so the state says they’re going to have to let people go. That is, unless the citizens of California pony up the tax money to keep the criminals in jail.

Should we build new jails? From what I read, this is impossible. I’m not sure why, so I’m guessing it has to do with complex technology obstacles. I suppose there’s some sort of architectural or engineering problem that’s insoluble, and maybe prisons are way more complicated than say, the Sears Tower.

But that’s okay, I have a solution! I was reading a mail-order catalog, and discovered Two Incredible Facts They Don’t Want Us To Know!

  1. More people than I ever in my life suspected are trapped in kitchens across this great nation of ours!
  2. For less than $10, we can imprison all criminals in their kitchens!
A Better Way to Handle Criminals

A Better Way to Handle Criminals

I would suggest that all California citizens begin a campaign to write their state legislators about this inexpensive solution! Think of the money they’ll save! And if it catches on, then the rest of the states can trim their budgets, using the same system!

Illinois is so broke we can’t even afford air! And we have lots of criminals! We can start with our previous governor, then move through the rest of the long list of indictments. All for less than $10! And that’s a one-time expense!

Plus, we wouldn’t need to worry about feeding all those prisoners. They’re in a kitchen already, so they can cook their own meals. We’d install small cots for them to sleep, and perhaps a simple toilet for personal grooming needs. And if they get really desperate, they can always stick their head in the oven.

I believe this is the real and best solution. I’ve thought about it at length, and there just isn’t a simpler way, to my view of things. Maybe the hard part would be getting each criminal into a kitchen in the first place, but that could be done with muscular guys who look very mean.

I also believe this is a major reason why so many people don’t want to cook food. Since I wear a watch, I’ve never been trapped helplessly in my own kitchen, so we’d have to remove all watches from criminals too. But I’ve seen lots of people who don’t wear watches at home. No wonder they’re afraid to go into the kitchen!

We already know that when a child does something bad, like, say, shoot up the living room with daddy’s semi-automatic, mothers always scream about having “a time out!” See? If you give those kids a timer, then they’ll be out! Out of where? Why, out of the kitchen! That’s why little children don’t know how to tell time. They’re mostly criminals just waiting to happen.

Please call your senator or congressman soon. We can’t afford jails, but we can’t afford criminals on the loose either. Kitchens are a lot easier to build than prisons. I see them all over the place, but I sure don’t see prisons everywhere!



  1. I second the motion to build more kitchens instead of prisons. I do have one issue with the timer on a rope. They say never be confined to the kitchen again. So lets say you are going to make some cookies. You put them in the oven, set the timer walk into the living room, and shortly the timer goes off. Is the timer going to create magic and take them out of the oven for you?

    Otherwise if I have to go out to the kitchen to take them out of the oven I will feel confined again.


    Comment by Kathy — June 4, 2009 @ 12:39 am | Reply

  2. Ah, but you see…this is the beauty of the entire concept! One thing all prisoners and criminals hope to accomplish in jail is to escape. Now think about what happens when they’re given this timer on a rope. They immediately decide to set a time and escape from their prison kitchen.

    And, exactly as you’ve pointed out, they run away very fast. Then the timer goes off. They’ll immediately be forced back to the kitchen! Escape foiled! With no extra police or sheriff’s deputies, no car chase, no bloodhounds, no organized search parties. And best of all, no danger to the surrounding community!

    Simply wait for the timer to go off, and voilĂ , the prisoners are instantly transported back to jail!

    Comment by Punchinello — June 4, 2009 @ 3:00 pm | Reply

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