Punchinello’s Chronicles

May 6, 2009

GOP Too Big to Fail says Congress: Recommends Bailout

Filed under: Foolish Rants — Punchinello @ 8:56 pm
Tags: , ,

WASHINGTON DC — With the collapse of the Republican party over the 2008 national elections, questions arise as to whether or not the GOP may be on the verge of bankruptcy. The Democrat controlled House, Senate and soon, Judiciary are looking to the Obama administration for guidance.

“In Chicago, we never have any trouble finding voters and getting things done,” said a White House spokesperson. “If we need more voters we just dig them up. Or we have people vote as many times as it takes to get the job done.” Other reports along the same lines seem to indicate that a major bailout may be in the works.

Is the Republican party too big to fail? This is the question for many Democrats. We might say that Republican voters are like American dollars, in that when there aren’t enough we print more. Similarly, why not allow Republicans a stock split applied to their ballot, and allow each Republican to vote twice?

Another possible solution is to bring into being additional stipulations to The Fairness Doctrine. As Professor Mobius Kurv of Harvard suggested, “We might be able to level the voting field by regulating who votes in which party. Given that the GOP is having such a difficult time, why not demand that some percentage of Democrats vote Republican?”

During a press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California) told reporters: “We cannot allow an industry as large as either the Republican or the Democrat party to collapse. The total federal budget depends on the continuing revenues generated by both parties as they regulate the population out of existence. Without the GOP we would lose significant portions of our expense accounts.”

One way or another, it’s becoming clear that without government intervention, the GOP as we know it may cease to exist. The number of jobs lost would be minimal, as Democrat party hacks would naturally fill the vacuum. But the question remains whether or not a one-party system can sufficiently compete in a global economy. Many in congress feel that it cannot.

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