Punchinello’s Chronicles

March 14, 2009

Raw Eggs Won’t Kill You!

Filed under: Food & Recipes — Punchinello @ 11:24 pm
Tags: , ,

I’m a Baby Boomer, and one of the great memories I have is licking the bowl when my mom made a cake, cookies, or brownies. Back then, oh…around 40 years ago, we used to bake things from “scratch.” Betty Crocker was just coming out with packaged mixes, but everyone could tell the difference. Someone would ask if anyone wanted cake, and the first question would be, “Is it a box or scratch?”

We also used to cook a lot of our own food, and going to a restaurant was a treat or for celebrations. There wasn’t any such thing as a microwave oven, and frozen dinners were called “TV dinners.” The reason being that you could watch one of those new-fangled TV gizmos, which took your brain and turned it to mush. Then you couldn’t figure out what to eat for dinner, so you cooked a frozen dinner instead.

Over the years, watching the rapid proliferation of frozen meals, I’ve had a sort of ongoing question in my mind. If a child knows nothing other than prepared, packaged foods, will they believe that fresh food tastes badly?

I remember that in the fall, we’d always smell burning leaves. Then we were told that burning leaves would kill everyone on the planet. I remember on Halloween we’d go out trick or treating. The best treats were things like homemade fudge, popcorn balls, taffy apples and cookies. Then people started putting razor blades in fruit, and arsenic in cookies.

So many things we enjoyed as kids are illegal now. We used to ride bikes without helmets, leaving it up to the gods of bicycles to protect our skulls full of mush. Sure, some kids got killed and others ended up vegetables. But not all that many. And besides, their parents just made more kids. Back then, obstetrics was affordable; back before “health insurance.”

Back when I was younger, being a kid was dangerous too. But not because of pedophiles and predators. No, it was because toys could kill you, your pajamas could kill you, walls could kill you, your dog could kill you. Just about everything could kill you. And if you escaped being killed while playing, then a nuclear Armageddon would kill you.

Unless you happened to be near a grade-school desk and chair. Hiding under a school-desk while at Ground Zero of a nuclear detonation was the only sure way to survive.

Putting decorations on a Christmas tree; baking homemade pies; playing on swings; staying outside until dusk; eating charbroiled hamburgers or steaks; all those are fond memories. Believe it or not, people even used to survive eating peanuts! Then, somewhere along the way, millions of people starting dying of anaphylactic shock. They were falling dead all over the cities and suburbs, all from eating peanuts.

Milk was pretty common back then, before lactose intolerance. My biggest fear was being bitten by a poisonous snake. Since I grew up in Suburbia, there weren’t too many of those on the east coast. Even so, ya never know…right?

And back then, eating actual food, our little digestive tracts got all kinds of bacteria. In particular, we had a thriving colony of acidophilus, bifidus, and the countless other weird bacteria and enzymes that help us digest food. We had plenty of real fruit and micro-nutrients, and nobody much worried about getting killed by eating food.

All that’s changed. “Doctors have found that…” became a weekly headline in the news. Eating this or that would cause cancer, blindness, hair-loss, shrinkage, loose bowels, or leprosy. Every week, the next thing would kill you. Toys were more dangerous than ever, and although they all came with razor-sharp metal edges, they were still toys.

Only toy guns were outlawed.

What’s a mother to do? (I’m not a mother, so I’m not an expert here.) Suppose you want to teach your chillrins how to cook food? What if you’d like to teach them to bake chocolate-chip cookies? Where do you suppose that particular flavor ice cream came from?

If you allow a child to lick the batter from a bowl, you likely will be instantly assaulted by the DCFS SWAT team. “DCFS” for those of you who don’t know, stands for Department of Children & Family Services. They’re the government people who make sure poor people don’t eat their children, have food and money, and a place to live.

It used to be that if a kid got out of line, their parents smacked ’em across the chops. If the parents weren’t handy, the teacher in school smacked ’em upside the head. If the kid wasn’t in school, then whatever adult happened to be around smacked ’em upside the head. No more. Hit a kid today, and you’ll spend hard time in penitentiary.

Too bad about the raw eggs thing, though. It’s like going to a restaurant and ordering a hamburger “rare.” Not a chance! Anyone who gets a tummy-ache can sue the restaurant now, for selling raw food and causing food poisoning.

But it sure was fun licking the batter clean! And licking the beaters clean, along with the spatula! And despite all these horribly dangerous, unregulated practices, the human race continued onward. We have more people today than back then, despite millions of them dying from peanut-air, raw cake batter, and secondhand smoke.

Oh well, what’s all that important about cultural memories? Nothing, really. Kids today can get it all by watching TV.

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1 Comment »

  1. […] Read more:  Raw Eggs Won’t Kill You! […]

    Pingback by Health Blog » Blog Archive » Raw Eggs Won’t Kill You! — March 15, 2009 @ 1:27 am | Reply


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