Punchinello’s Chronicles

December 22, 2008

Why do Liberals Hate Santa Clause?

Filed under: Foolish Rants — Punchinello @ 3:00 pm
Tags: , ,

I don’t understand it. Each year I hear more and more about how we need to get rid of Christmas, get rid of Santa Clause, and quit putting up colored lights for decorations. Or maybe it’s that we shouldn’t have mangers and wise men. It’s the so-called secular movement, promoted by the political left. The claim is that there’s too much Christianity goin’ on.

The thing is, though, that Santa Clause is the classic liberal democrat. So how come everything is backwards? Why are conservative Republican defending the man, and liberal Democracts attacking him? I mean, let’s examine the facts here!

First of all Santa keeps tabs on everyone, using a network that rivals the Homeland Security systems. He watches us 24/7/365, while we’re sleeping, awake, working, at home, in the car, shopping; he sees us EVERYwhere! No place is safe. It’s a complete and total invasion of privacy. Yet that’s perfectly acceptable. Where’s the ACLU on all this?

And speaking of privacy issues, what’s with all that burglary? I mean, c’mon…sneaking down the chimney late at night? It’s only that he lands on the roof that he probably can get away with it. That, and he’s in and out in f lash, what with having to get to every home, hut, apartment and cardboard box in the world! But even so, is that legal?

He also keeps records. You’ve heard about “Your Permanent Record.” You first hear about it in grade school, and if you’re like me, you were told that just about everything interesting you choose to do will go into your permanent record. Santa is the Keeper of the Record. Whenever you perform a moral act, good or bad, it’s marked down. He keeps track, continually judging whether or not you’ve been a “nice person.”

Liberals are always worrying about how to force people to be moral citizens. They pass laws constantly, wanting to continually add more and more information to each of our records. Instead of attacking Mr. Clause, the liberals should be negotiating for shared information, using his database and data-collection systems.

The Santa Clause organization charges no taxes or fees, yet every year distributes food, toys, goodies and gifts to everyone in the world. The only criteria is that recipients should be “good.” There’s no actual definition of what “good” means, nor a definition of either naughty or nice. The criteria are entirely based on one man’s opinion.

On top of that, Santa really doesn’t care about special interest groups other than the poor. Oddly enough, he can be lobbied and bribed with cookies and milk. It’s not much different than Illinois politics, actually. People send in a letter with their demands, then simply assume those demands will be met. It doesn’t matter how extravagant the demands.

Of all the distribution networks in the world, only the Santa Clause organization is truly multi-cultural. He gives away toys everywhere in the world, and it’s all accomplished in 24 hours. When we look at the arguments and delays getting even the simplest aid to needy people, we certainly could learn a thing or two from Santa.

Santa holds nobody responsible for anything other than being nice. Even hardened criminals are eligible for free giveaways if they try to be a little bit nice on Christmas Eve. We never hear about work stoppages or union complaints with the elves, and apparently the assembly plants in the North Pole are environmentally compliant. We don’t hear that it’s the toy factory that’s responsible for the shrinking polar ice caps, right?

All in all, given that Santa is the epitome of liberal agenda points, why are liberals trying to remove Santa? I can think of only one thing — he’s maybe against gay people! It’s not that he’s a smoker, obviously he smokes a pipe. He’s clearly an equal opportunity employer, what with his company routinely focusing on elves. We hear nothing about Santa Clause invading other nations in an attempt to force his agenda on other cultures.

No, it must be that somehow the word has gotten out that Santa doesn’t like gay people. Otherwise, in every single value analysis, Santa Clause is the perfect liberal. It just goes to show you, though; you can’t win with liberals. You can be nearly perfect in all respects, but just go against one, single thing, and they turn on you!

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