Punchinello’s Chronicles

December 7, 2008

An Authentic Conservative Curmudgeon License

I knew there was a reason for the Internet to exist! It’s to make possible things we only dream about. The older I get, the more I complain. The more I complain, the more I realize I’ve turned into a curmudgeon. That’s a grumpy, grouchy, argumentative, cantankerous old fart, for those of you who haven’t heard the word.

Today’s music sounds like angry noise. Traffic is filled with idiot drivers, none of whom can drive as brilliantly as I can. Stores don’t have anything I want, and if I say I like something out loud, whatever it is instantly vanishes for the rest of eternity. (Anyone who’s looking to get rid of cellulite, extra midriff fat, or unwanted hair, feel free to email me for a quote.)

I find myself using phrases like, “Back when I was a kid,” or “Remember back when we…” and other such things. More and more, I’ll be talking to someone who looks to be about 20, and I’ll say something like, “Hey…remember a couple of years ago when Kennedy was assassinated?” Or I’ll reference something like Woodstock, and they’ll look at me like I’m from Venus. Which, of course I am, being a man…or is it from Mars?

That’s another thing! CRS (Can’t Remember Shit). It’s an encroaching problem, moving along at about the opposite but same pace as my loss of hair. The more hair I lose, the less I can remember simple things. Apparently, each follicle and strand of hair is the original flash drive, used to store information critical to the human mind.

When I can’t remember things, I just make stuff up. So if I’m thirsty, driving along, I’ll suggest to either myself (that’s another thing…talking to myself!), or whomever’s with me that we should stop at…and then comes an episode of CRS. “We should stop at one of those…whatchacallits. You know the box, where you can get something to drink? Like a thing…a can of um…coke?”

“You mean a vending machine?” they’ll say, and there’s another “Doh!” moment.

So I found the International Society of Curmudgeons, registered, and became a licensed, professional curmudgeon. I figure if you’re gonna talk the talk, ya gotta walk the walk. And besides, who listens to your plain old, average everyday curmudgeon, right? Now at least when I complain about something, if anyone has anything to say I can whip out my handy-dandy certificate and point out (politely, and in a loud voice) that I’m fully authorized!

Next thing y’know, I’ll be making dinner reservations for 4:30 in the afternoon. And dressing up wearing a suit, bow tie, and sneakers! Or are they “running shoes?” Screw it…sneakers!


1 Comment »

  1. Thanks for the link. It looks like it’s a great site. I am proud to say that I am a curmudgeon. I think that the world needs more of them. This website is long overdue. It’s about time someone did something like this.

    I am sick and tired of people telling that we should be nice to one another. Why?? Back when I was a kid we were nice to one another without having to ask “What’s in it for me.” Times were better then.

    I will be sure to get a license.

    Comment by IB Designs,USA — December 7, 2008 @ 1:33 am | Reply

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