Punchinello’s Chronicles

December 6, 2008

Scientists Prove Stock Market is a Living Entity

Filed under: Just Thinking — Punchinello @ 12:17 pm
Tags: , , ,

Year after year I read the headlines about the daily performance of the stock market. When I was younger, I didn’t pay much attention. News announcers would tell us that the stock market reacted, today, to unemployment figures, productivity numbers, oil speculation, the housing industry, an airline disaster, or whatever else particular headline was popular for that day.

Over the years, I got to wondering about all this. More and more headlines talk about what The Market is doing, and how it seems to be paying attention to those headlines. And then I read that scientists, working for many years, have discovered that The Market actually is a self-aware, self-conscious, living entity! Nobody’s quite sure when this happened, but it seems related to a proposition of intelligence.

There’s been a lot of speculation throughout history that when a system reaches sufficient levels of complexity, that system becomes self-aware. It develops intelligence and the capacity for independent life. Robert Heinlein and other science fiction authors have written stories about the idea. Now, it seems The Market has suddenly proven the concept!

Not only is The Market alive, it also is apparently taking on physical shape and form. It won’t be long before it becomes mobile, capable of physical movement. I’m thinking of The Blob!

If all this continues, and nothing is done about it, then we could likely see lecture tours, concerts, and rallies. Given today’s economic problems, it wouldn’t surprise me to hear that Mr. Obama announces that a new Cabinet-level position is created, specifically to give a seat to The Market.

We’ve not yet seen a face on this Market, probably because it’s still in the formative process. We’re also not sure yet from where The Market is gathering its biological material, but there seems to be an increase in the number of missing homeless people in and around the Wall Street area. At some point, we’ll see The Market take form and give its first television interview.

Another issue is the physical description characteristics, like, for example, how tall is it? From what we’ve been able to gather, it seems to be similar to the relationship between mass and gravity, like a black hole. With The Market still gathering shape, we can determine a sort of physical presence and vague outline. It looks as though The Market will be about 5′ 10″, but weigh approximately 375 tons. This will make for transportation logistical nightmares, as promoters and handlers won’t be able to easily move The Market from city to city.

Expectations are that reporters will travel to The Market for interviews, rather than the other way around. However; for concert tours and lecture tours, a special Marketmobile is under construction. But before all that, scientists want to do some basic intelligence tests to determine the possible IQ of this new life form.

Using illegal IQ tests, archived from the early 20th century, it’s been determined that The Market is a slow learner, with an IQ similar to a 12 year-old human child. On the other hand, its reaction speed to local stimulus is astonishing, being somewhat similar to that of a jungle cat. It appears, so far, that we’re witnessing a hybrid evolutionary leap, combining machine-level processing like a computer, with perceptual awareness along the lines of a predatory animal.

Dr. Werner Straub of UCLA speculates that given the state of today’s culture, together with the overall fear and anxiety taking place, we may see whole cultural shifts take place. “Some people may feel the need to view The Market as some sort of a deity,” Dr. Straub stated in an interview. “But the problem will be the lack of emotional maturity in conjunction with mediocre intelligence. It may be similar to an idiot-savant, something like the Rainman in that old movie.”

Meanwhile, we now hear more and more about the specific thoughts and reactions of The Market to each particular headline. An increasing number of followers apparently are listening, and so the financial consequences are reminiscent of a 12-yearold’s financial management system.


1 Comment »

  1. Hehehehehe, *lol* *lmao* *rofl* *something-else-internet-kiddos-say* *holy-crap-on-a-stick-that-was-funny* and so on and soforth. If you keep this up I am going to have to glue one of my eyes to a monitor showing your blog 😉

    Thank you for enlightening an otherwise gray and dull afternoon,


    Comment by hpx83 — December 8, 2008 @ 11:36 am | Reply

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