Punchinello’s Chronicles

September 27, 2008

Cookie Emergency: Calls for Immediate Bailout!

Filed under: The Great Adventure! — Punchinello @ 12:36 am
Tags: ,

Yet another institution has failed! Tonight, following the results of an audit on my freezer, I realized I had insufficient chocolate chip cookie equity to sustain the ongoing loans to the Calorie Bank of my homeland securities and exchange system. This was clearly a crisis, and I quickly assigned a committee to study the situation.

One course of prudent action would have been to borrow some cookies from my girlfriend, who lives not far from here. I thought about it, then contemplated the implications of foreign investments, looking to Washington for some guidance. Apparently, the key issue in this scenario is international interest rates.

There’s little doubt in my mind that were I to borrow heavily from a foreign cookie bank, I would have to do so with a high rate of interest. My girlfriend likely would want to keep a close eye on her investment, and I would have to split the cookies. That would mean less for me, so I wanted to keep that in abeyance. It’s not that I want to introduce protectionism and trade tariffs, y’unnerstand, it’s just that, well, we’re talking about a national resource, energy supplies, and historical treasure. (And let’s not have any wisecracks about drilling policies!)

Another option was to get a rapidly drawn-together bailout plan. I could see that I wouldn’t get actual cookies from Washington, but perhaps I could apply for a supporting bridge loan. I figured the empty space in my freezer was worth about, oh, I dunno, let’s say $40,000. With a small loan, I could get on my feet again, invest in new equipment, stabilize the market for chocolate chips, and hold up my end of international trade agreements.

So I called Washington, and asked to speak to President Bush.

My next course of action was to re-examine productivity levels. Following a boom economy, I’d managed to prepare not only thousands of chocolate chip cookies to eat, I also was able to put some in reserve. This was all done according to CDIC (Cookie Deposit Insurance Corporation) regulations. Yet I’d still made poor asset allocation plans. The reserves were empty!

I made an executive decision, issued an executive order, and set to work. This is one of those little-known devices used in the past, to stabilize an economey — work. Despite lack of congressional leadership, no interference from either presidential candidate, and having to rely on slave labor, I can announce at this time that the crisis has passed. Temporarily.

How this all came about must be studied. We need more regulation on the chocolate chip cookie industry, that’s for sure! No child (or adult) should be forced to go without cookies, not when the rich are lucky enough to have so much. We need long-term solutions, including a CCCT (chocolate chip cookie tax), government oversight, government overweight, and government something else that I can’t think of at the moment.



  1. The root cause for the necessary emergency bailout seem very interesting. Here is a very informative video:

    Comment by USA — September 27, 2008 @ 12:49 am | Reply

  2. Excellent video, particularly liked the soundtrack! 🙂 Okay, a bit fast, but a lot of important information in a very short space.

    Comment by Punchinello — September 27, 2008 @ 12:55 am | Reply

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