Punchinello’s Chronicles

September 24, 2008

Court Upholds Happiness Decision

Filed under: The Great Adventure! — Punchinello @ 11:45 am
Tags: , ,

WASHINGTON DC — In a surprise 5-4 decision today, the US Supreme Court upheld the lower court decision to grant happy people protected minority status. The so-called Happiness case refers to People v. State of Bliss, and seeks to grant minority rights and ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) protection to happy people.

The recent study published by the World Health Organization showed that happy people in the United States make up less than 1.8% of the overall population, with a demographic division between conservative and liberal ideologues. “This is deplorable,” stated Justice Holly Grayle, citing the majority opinion. “We really had to do something about it!”

Happiness, along with common sense has been declining in recent decades, with happy people having been shown to react better to life, manage their own finances better, and to stay healthy longer than unhappy people. “It makes no sense for such a small minority of people to pay for a majority of people,” Justice Grayle said.

White House spokesperson Imma Grump said at today’s press conference that, “This is a severe blow to the rights of unhappy people everywhere. We cannot and should not confer minority status on the emotionally wealthy at the expense of everyone else.”

Arguments have been heated and widespread, what with statistics proving that 5% of the population produce 90% of happiness, while 90% of the population are left with only misery. The remaining 5% are undecided. “We cannot allow those who are lucky enough to be happy control the emotional well-being of the entire country,” said Barak Obama in a speech before the American Association of Pessimists in Ohio.

“Not only did the Bush tax cuts reduce the happiness for all working people, it poured joy and happiness into the bank accounts of America’s wealthy.”

With the decision, both the House and the Senate are now free to proceed with new proposed laws to protect endangered happy people, and to provide special consideration to anyone who can prove they’re happy. Expected benefits include a lifetime income, the end of all suffering, entrance into Heaven, and government programs designed to offer suffering insurance.

Rep. Klumph Neederwockin (R) stated that, “It is the aim of Congress to provide government help to these unfortunate people. We must help them to eventually join the mainstream and become truly miserable. Our hope is that early education, after-school programs, workplace training, and other beneficial programs will wipe out happiness in our lifetimes.”


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